Friday, August 23, 2013

2013 Seahawks Cheat Sheet

Welcome, friends, to football season in Seahawk country. Maybe you're a new transplant. Maybe you just joined your office's fantasy football league and have decided you should actually watch a game or two. Maybe you heard that the 'Hawks are big-time Super Bowl contenders, and have decided that it's about time to become a fan. However you've landed in Seattle football fandom, it's important that you have a few facts handy. After all, you don't want to be embarrassed in casual bar conversation about your new favorite team. In the interest of ensuring well-informed discourse, I have compiled here a few of the most important nuggets:
  • First, did you know that the Seattle quarterback, Russell Wilson, is short? It's true! Listed at 5'11", a mere single inch above the national male average, Wilson is known as the Peter Dinklage of NFL QBs: talented, classy, miniature. He is considered a "mobile quarterback," primarily because he has to run back and forth to see around the linemen.
  • Similarly, it is also news to many that the defensive secondary is large. While the average NFL cornerback is built for speed and agility at 5'11"--or one Wilson, in official measurements--star cover man, and official team spokesman, Richard Sherman, measures in at a staggering 1.056 Wilsons. In the interest of sportsmanship, however, Sherman and his similarly gargantuan teammates have elected to play their positions as normal, rather than simply standing in front of the opposing quarterback with their arms in the air.
  • One significant advantage the Seahawks enjoy is perhaps the loudest home stadium in the NFL. Powered by deliberate architectural decisions and the notorious "12th Man" (a guy named Dave), QwestCenturyLink Field has induced so many visiting false start penalties that numerous teams have accused Seattle management of deliberately haunting the facility with wailing banshees. However, official NFL paranormal investigators have never confirmed these accusations.
  • The final key to the team's recent success is star running back Marshawn Lynch. Nicknamed "Beast Mode," for his intense childhood love of the Transformers: Beast Wars cartoon, Lynch is actually the product of a series of genetic experiments, designed to produce a human being fueled exclusively by Starburst candy. Unfortunately, Lynch was only able to process Skittles, was deemed a failure, and exiled to Buffalo, NY by his creators.
So remember: quarterback short, cornerbacks tall, stadium loud, Lynch likes Skittles. Congratulations! By repeating each of these facts once per quarter, you now have all the information you need to enjoy a year as a Seattle Seahawks fan, OR a long career as an NFL color commentator.

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